A Word From the Author - Pam Chubbuck |
My Motivation for Writing
Goodbye, Mom - I’ll Always Love You
I have been involved in assisting people with the process they go through around death and dying for over 35 years. In the early 1970s I was a counselor/educator at Georgetown University Hospital in Washington DC and helped patients’ families deal with death as well as taught medical students about death and dying. I have long known that people need help dealing with death and through that job I learned a lot and discovered I had what some called a gift for helping with this difficult life issue.
©Kevin D. Dohmen, www.luminousview.net 
Six years ago the wife of one of my best friends was in a car accident. At the time their daughter, I’ll call Susan, was ten years old. She was my special friend too. I learned that Mom was on a respirator and not expected to recover. I immediately flew out to be with them and to assist as best I could with their shock, grief, and the decision making I knew they would soon face. It was a wrenching experience for the family and I felt honored and humbled to be part of their deep process.
When I left, I looked for books that would continue to help Susan and her father. I discovered that either the books were very narrowly religious or psychological in content lacking a wider spiritual base. Susan was being brought up to think for herself and have an expansive view of life. She needed something different, something that spoke to her psychological, physical, and spiritual needs. So I sat down and wrote her a letter. I later realized that all kids need help in getting through the death process, especially the death of a mother, and that letter to Susan became the basis of Goodbye, Mom - I’ll Always Love You.
For a child who just lost his or her mother, buy and help your child use, Goodbye, Mom - I’ll Always Love You.
For every child, start talking about life’s cycle, (Birth/Childhood/Adolescence/Adulthood/Old Age/Death/Birth)
at an early age. |
Talk About the Cycle of Life with Your Child
Death is the ultimate mystery. Children can be invited to participate in the open pondering of that mystery at an early age. The first moment an infant notices a dead ant for example, or a toddler sees that most birds fly except that first one he sees on the ground, lifeless, starts the child’s unconscious inner dialogue about life and death.
It is good to begin to help make that dialogue conscious early on so it is simply part of the cycle we know as life and death. I suggest the same about things of life. Sexuality for example. When we start answering simple questions a child normally has about his or her body from infancy onward, the topic is never very difficult. Speaking about death is a bit more complex because we do not have the ultimate answers. However, we can support our children to ponder the mystery openly without fear of being wrong or corrected.
Death in it’s reality of every day life, is something we all must face sooner or later. But most small children are exposed to hundreds of violent deaths yearly on television and in movies. Children must be shielded from seeing and hearing violence and death on television because it is literally damaging to their developing brains and emotions. TV violence is frightening, unreal, confusing, sometimes horrifying. It creates a distortion because it is too much energy than a child can integrate. Children do not understand that these images are not real even if adults tell them “It’s only a story”, “It’s on TV, not real”. Kids repeat what the parent says so parents think it’s OK. But it is not. Some children take many years to integrate these frightening images - often they are still dealing with them well into adulthood.
“The Great Mystery is too vast for the human mind to comprehend.”
~ R Daniel Chubbuck
My Father said this many times during my life. A very spiritual man, Dad hated dogma and distorted idolatry and therefore had little respect for religion that claimed to know the ultimate answers.
I have come to understand that true religion is the constant asking of questions, the search for what is true, right and most loving. Religion is not simply believing what someone tells us to believe. Often the telling comes with a serious threat attached frightens us and and stops our flow of energy.
Children have much more consciousness about these “unknowable” things than most of us realize. Children are wonderful at asking the questions and being open to what is. They are creative, spontaneous and have less ego then adults. Children have more permeable edges. That is why I stress that children should always be asked – What do you think happens to us when we die? Where is your essence once your body is gone? And if the questions are about Mom, ask. What do you think happened to your mom when she died? Where do you think she is she now? Then listen.
Are worried that you could damage your child in any way by pondering instead of having the perfect answer? Relax.
There is never any harm talking to a child about death in a loving, kind, open hearted way that is age appropriate. You must obviously talk to a 5 year old differently than you talk to a 15 year old. Contemplate together. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know but what do you think? Then - This is what I think. This is what I Feel.” By doing so you will get closer to your child and your child will not be afraid to speak from his or her heart which is where truth resides.
Goodbye Mom has also been helpful to adults
who never completely grieved the death of a mother.
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"'Goodbye Mom'… is just as powerful for the Inner Children of adults who lost a Mom many years ago, as it will help them heal the wounds of never having had this kind of support when it originally happened." ~ Phyllis Stein PhD, Research Associate Professor of Medicine, Inner Bonding Facilitator-in-Training |
